holy crap, it's been so long since i've really touched a computer, i pretty much forgot how to use it. it's after noon in the states, but it's after midnight here; our bus to bangkok should have gotten in hours earlier, but there was a flat tire, and we had to walk a few miles to the next town, and you know, there's no rush around here, things get done when they get done. i mean, that's cool, sure, really mellow, but i gotta admit, i was so looking forward to getting to the hostel and having a long, superlong hot shower. i think i'm gonna make out with the bathtub back home, and i'm not even kidding about that.

it's so weird, that i'm going to be back in america so soon - russ is bracing himself for the culture shock, and i feel kinda wussy to be all, oh yeah, me too! when he's been here over a year, and me just the summer. it's been so awesome and just really eye-opening, to come and do good works, but, i dunno. russ is so energized and feels so close to Christ, and i'm like...i had fun building that school? i mean, i did feel really cleansed and everything, i'm full up with Christ's love, i'm saved, sure, but i guess i was hoping to be moved the way he is. russ has known for so long that he was going to be a minister, and working here just totally cemented it. i don't know if this is for me yet. he said that when i'm running my own mission, things will be different, but is that him just being nice?

when i get back, i gotta apply to colleges and stuff, and i got no clue. uconn, maybe. or go to tcu with russ. i don't know. you know, i'm listening, as hard as i can, so He can give me a hint any time. any time now. aaany tiiiime.

and then there's bee. i

dad and i leave on friday to go to thailand and work with russ for the rest of the summer. and i'd be lying if i didn't say that i was looking forward to it - i need to get away. i mean, everybody except for one person, mary anne, thinks me and bee broke up because we'd be apart all summer. me in thailand, her training for worlds. and everybody thinks that because bee's a sweetheart, and she didn't want me to be the bad guy: she was telling everybody that version the day we all got back from school. she told me not to worry about it.

and all i could worry about is how i'd lost the best girl in the world.

but i'm right, aren't i? she's jewish. i'm christian. she won't convert, and i won't convert. her mother wants her to marry another jew, my mother wants me to marry another christian. she wants her children to be raised jewish. i want my children to be raised christian. she considers Judaism her ethnicity. i consider Jesus to be my Lord and Savior. this wouldn't have worked, and for us to fall deeper and deeper in love...it was best to end it then, before it hurt so bad that we can't figure out how, right?

right?

do i tell her goodbye before i go, or - have we already said all the goodbye we will?

i love her so much, i think i've lost a piece of myself.

i told dad. about what happened at afterprom. and we prayed together for a while. and i recommitted to my abstinence pledge.

dad said not to get too upset. that sometimes, moments of weakness teach us so much more than constantly being strong. he told me to really reflect on it, and draw strength from what i've learned.

and he said that if i had done it with bee, he wouldn't love me a drop less. and neither would Jesus. and i told him, i would love myself less. like i do right now. how many times did i read mark 14:38 and never think that it applied to me? me and my hot, super hot girlfriend. "keep watching and praying that you may not come into temptation; the spirit is willing, but the flesh is weak." i thought my spirit was stronger than that.

that's pride, dad said. when we think we're greater than sin, we open ourselves to it.

lust. pride. greed: i want her, all of her, not just her heart but her body, too. i want her like i want a wife.

which means...i can't be with her anymore. i am not greater than sin, i am too weak. so.

i have to let her go. oh, god...tell me, tell me: how do i let her go?

we videochatted with russ today; he took a few days in bangkok, and his hostel thing has ethernet, so - there he was, grinning back at us. he looks tan, and he looks taller, if someone can look taller when they're sitting down. but he's the same guy, same energy and excitement, and i think that he's having the best year of his life, and is bummed out to come home in june.

the thing is, i looked over at Dad during the chat, and i thought: he was supposed to be there all year, too. i wasn't supposed to have my dad this year at all. but a tragedy happened, a tragedy with a happy ending, but the happiest ending of all is that my dad stayed here.

yeah, i hugged him. i told him it was just because, but i think he knows why: just because he's my dad, and he's here to be hugged.

this is going to sound totally pervy? but just - let me get to the point.

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we're about to leave for juarez; they're making us stay in el paso, crossing into the city for the day of work only, because it's unsafe. a lot of us tried to fight that - i mean, ministry isn't something that stops at sundown, right? but then dad and the other trip leaders made it very clear that a bunch of naive american teens in this city after dark, no matter how unrich we may be, screams out i'm a target.

i've been here for spring break since i was in eighth grade; russ was sixteen, and he convinced mom and dad that i was old enough to come along, since he would keep me by his side. (and he did.) i remember feeling so damn sorry for myself right before that trip: i had crushed on stacey and i knew she liked me back, but nothing happened. i had that huge crush on abby and she turned me down; i dated anna and...well, we both like classical music a lot? i just felt like i was a walking losersneeze, and i was tired of how our family didn't have money like most of the other families did because dad was pouring all of our spare cash back into getting the missionary program off the ground, and i was so selfish, i was practically living inside of my own colon.

then i came here. I saw what i saw. i worked with the people in the colonias, i played with the children, i held their hands and called on Christ to give us strength, and i felt like the biggest asshole in the world to have asked the Lord to help me with all of my problems in the midst of juarez. me, with two parents who love and protect me and have jobs, a good house, food, water, a great school, luxuries like a car and cable TV. the fact my mom doesn't like my girlfriend's religion, that somedays it's hard to be positive when i know the school thinks of me as a lame bible thumper, that i never have free time because i have to work so much, the fact that i'm annoyed at emily bernstein and all of this shit?

it'll fall away. i'll fill my hands with wood and hammers and the hands of others and the strength of my Savior and everything, all of that stupid shit, it will fall away in the midst of juarez.

i have no clue what to do for bee's birthday. last year, we all went bowling - should we do that again? is it boring to repeat a birthday thing? should we do a pool party, or is that totally cheese, to give the swimmer a pool party. maybe a big ass sundae bar? lazer tag? and what do i get her?

why is her birthday right after valentine's day, dammit! and i have no money right now, zero, since mom isn't paying me so that she can afford to keep mrs. richter on staff, so i can't buy anything. arg!

this is a time, Lord, when i am totally, one hundred percent open to your suggestions. any time now...

i don't know what to say about tree. part of me feels sorry for her, wants to chase after her and hug her and try to help her. turn the other cheek again and again because she has to be so angry and so confused inside of herself.

then the other part of me sighs. it says that tree is operating on a level so full of manipulation that she's toxic. weird lies: "sorta dating" justin? saying she didn't care about carly for "a while?" feeling like she wanted me to dissolve into sympathy for her not being friends with carly...feeling like i had to chase after her and cajole her from her bizarre anger...

i feel just so manipulated. i feel like i'm supposed to feel guilty for not being a good enough friend. she's become one of those girls who burst into tears in the hallway or spin sob stories like rhetorical Rumplestiltskins to make everybody feel oh so sorry for them when the real truth is that they just can't deal with the shit they've made. because it's easier to shamble and scream and beg for attention and comfort me! comfort me! than it is to take responsibility for who they are and the choices that they are making and what's coming from them.

but i'm not going to feel guilty, i'm not going to chase her down. i'm not going to fall for it. this is a girl who tells lies, who puts words in people's mouths - i never said that i was defending mary anne, and i certainly didn't tell tree i was praying for her, that's a private thing for me - who changes faces like she changes clothes, and who reacted with violence against me. i pity her. i pray for her. i ask Jesus to send her mercy. but i'm not feeling guilty and i'm not falling for it.

and i guess i'm not her friend. at all.

i won't compromise my faith or my beliefs. but shit, even with Jesus to lean on, it's hard to keep your hand on your girlfriend's hip or her neck or hair. that as far as we went last night in the car is as far as we're every gonna go. i know, i know: instead of physical intimacy, we need to make our relationship deeper and stronger and intimate through our minds and our hearts, have real intimacy.

and i know, the person to talk to is dad, to get his help - but i don't knew if i want to talk to dad about this! oh, well. i'm just venting. i've only got another minute or so before mom and me have to head to the shop to prep for the two weddings we got today. maybe a little bit of food'll help: "make me strong with wine-cakes, let me be comforted with apples; I am overcome with love." you sing it, solomon.

great. bee and i haven't even been together a week, and already my mom's made the first comment about her being jewish. i mean, don't get me wrong, she's fifteen billion times more tolerant than Julie, but she makes little comments. and i guess the only way to describe her reaction over our breakup was "relieved." that, and when i told her shannon was christian. then there's the email that russ sent me, with him all weird about it, too.

is this really such a big damn deal? jesus was a jew, right?

deep down, doesn't it matter that you carry love and kindness in your heart? with so many religions in the world, why would He say that only one is right? i learned that from dad. so - when's he gonna teach it to mom, russ, and everybody else?

jacqui's secret is still on my hands; i talked to dad, and he said that there are a lot of reasons why she told me. when i asked him if he might have told me just to...i dunno, hurt me? or maybe to just be mean? dad said that she might have been lashing out because she's in pain, and she envies me. i have two loving parents, and more than that, i have faith in the world as a good place where bad things happen. and she might see the world as a bad place where good things happen here or there, just not for her. dad said that we're lucky that jesus helps us keep our eyes full of grace, even when all we can see is darkness. i wanted him to talk to her, but he said that it's not as easy as pulling someone out of a dark wood. there's no such thing as breadcrumbs, either. and maybe christ isn't her way out, too: not everybody has to believe in the same thing. he said the best thing to do is keep her in my heart and keep myself open if she wants to talk, really talk again.

i mean, hey. it's christmas: "and on earth peace, good will toward men." to all people. jacqui too.

after all of that, how superficial is it that all i wanted for christmas was bee? after that moment at school on the last friday...well. i'll just keep her in my heart, too. though. i always did.

rose marie montey told me that elise coates told her that she and josh freeman had a double date with bee and her boyfriend the other night, but that bee canceled it because she broke up with that idiot guy. i miss her so much...and i love her. and i understand now.

and we're talking again. that helps. that can't be overstated.

so...should i ask her out again? or like, see if she wants to do dinner, just to test the waters? every time we talk, i just want to take her hand or touch her hair...and i could swear she feels the same way. so i should, right? i totally should.

i will.

totally.

...i think.

i think todays sermon was for me: Pauls letter to the corinthians? yeah. that was for me. i think its time to talk to shannon: love is the greatest thing and...and i gotta get home from zuzus, because posting a thought to my journal via my cell blows

tonight's homecoming over at sds. if you can believe it, i'm looking forward to this one about 100% more. even with meeting the kilbournes on my plate tonight.

it was quite possibly the weirdest thing to see bee last week, looking stunning like she always does, and not be with her. or talk to her, dance with her, be with her. be her date. every time i saw her, it hurt. and i don't get it! i mean, shannon and me are getting along so good; she's even coming to every single church thing i mention, she's so incredibly into it! she's hearing the word of the Lord, and it's just so awesome to be a part of it, but more than that, shannon is just cool, smart and beautiful and dang it, i'll spend twice as much time with her. the stuff i feel for honeybee, it's just...stuff after a breakup.

shannon's here because God doesn't want me to mope and dwell. He has something in store for me: i need to go forward, not look back. so why does bee pop up as i am trying to get to where i'm going with shannon!?

at least dad's around. though i haven't mentioned it to him yet. i really should, you know? he always knows the right thing to do. though i feel kinda bad; i mean, asking him for advice on trevor kinda rocked him back on his heels. i need to tell trev that dad said no to accepting his 101 Sex Positions book as a donation to the church library. 1001.

i wonder if trevor's checked off the ones he's used? okay, ew.

We broke up. We're over.

How do I forget her?

I can't help the fact that my father has a calling, that the Lord has asked him to do His work on earth. I can't help that it's taken him around the world during the summer months or that it means that our front door was always open for his parishioners, that I had to share him. Dad always let me know that I was loved, that's not what I'm saying, it's that I always knew that his time didn't just belong to me and the family.

I used to think that made me the perfect boyfriend for Bee. You know, because I totally got how busy she was. She's got a calling, too, but it's a calling to her talent, her swimming. But I always thought there was an end date you know? After the Games, she would take some time off and we could finally be together without that thing that sucked up all of her time and attention. But now she's got another goal, another thing that has her working out six hours a day. I respect - no, I admire her focus and her drive and her committment and her loyalty and all of that, I totally do. But I admit it, I - I'm jealous. Of all the attention her swimming gets while I have to stand by the side and wait. And wait and wait and wait and how long do I wait? I'm tired of waiting for the people I love. I have to do it for Dad and now for Russ. They're family. But why am I in a relationship, by choice, where I'm doing it again?

I just had the most awful nightmare: I was watching the Olympics, and Michael Phelps won his ten zillionth gold medal, and he was doing that thing where he goes to give the flowers to his sister up in the stands, but it wasn't his sister this time, it was Bee, and then they made out and Bob Costas gave them a 10, but the Romanian judge dinged them with an 8.4 for sloppy tongue removal, but then Bob was all, "That's okay, their strongest event is in the bedroom," then Michael did the thing that I do with her hair and then the two of them and Bob and the Romanian judge all looked in the camera and looked at me.

That's it. No more licorice before bed, holy schniekies.

She wouldn't be hooking up with anyone over there, right? I mean, hanging out with half-naked guys with disgustingly buff bodies and gold medals, she's not into that, right?

I think I'm gonna hit the pool for a few laps. No! No swimming! I'll just--go run instead. Yeah. Running.

...there's no way she's hooking up with track stars, too, right?!

You know, even church camp has its share of hookups.

But Camp Mohawk truly seems like its Indian name should be Screws-a-Lot. My word. It's like American Pie: Band Camp, but without the flutes and trombone slides.

Iiiiiii'll just stay over here. With my Bible. And my virginity. Thanks, though.